A married couple screw eachother every single night. But the man has to go away on a business trip for two weeks. His wife asks him, "what am I going to do without you?" The man decides to buy his wife a dildo for his leave.
At the dildo shop, the clerk brings the man into a back room. He says, "I've got something I know will please your wife. It's called the super dildo. All you have to do is say 'super dildo' and then the name of what you want it to screw, and it will screw it automatically. It won't stop until you say 'super dildo stop,' and only men can control it. For example... Super dildo the wall!" The super dildo immediately sprang into action humping the wall over and over. "Super dildo stop!" said the clerk, and the dildo stopped.
The man bought the dildo and brought it home to his wife. After she thanked him, he said "super dildo my wife!" and the super dildo sprang into action screwing his wife. He then left.
The woman was enjoying it, but she couldn't get it to stop. She got in her car and was driving to the dildo store all while the thing was screwing her, when she got pulled over by a policeman. He said, "Lady, you're driving like a drunk." She replied, "I'm not drunk, it's just that a super dildo is screwing me and I can't get it to stop!"
The policeman replied, "Super didlo, my ass."
The Queen & Christiano Ronaldo
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Cristiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white England shirts sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ....... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said to Beckham, Rooney and Gerrard (for it was they) "I will give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup, but I see that my England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."
She knighted them there and then, and proceeded to sail away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything an all that about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she definitely knows F*ck-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up ?"
1 comment:
LOL very funny. i haven't heard this one before.
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